At Speaking Peace workshops we introduce words that are sometimes mistaken as feelings. These words are actually evaluative experiences that are added in our statements after the words, “I feel…..,” or “I felt….” Our workshop exercise is to identify the true emotion and consider the unmet need creating these feelings.
An example is the word betrayed. I feel betrayed is an incorrect use as betrayed is not a feeling. It describes an experience. The feelings one might feel may be hurt, downhearted, wretched, devastated, discourages, lonely and more (see photo above for more).
Once true feelings are named our speaking peace process is to look at the unmet value needs that make be causing these feelings. These could be the need for: respect, honesty, consideration, to matter, trust, support and more (see photo for more).
Consider our Speaking Peace courses and workshop! Learn more about how to connect with more clarity, understanding and empathy!
Read more on betrayal in business experience example
More on Personal Leadership Follow @insideawareness.com on twitter &InTouch Life on facebook
Renee Lindstrom, GCFP, Principal -Inside Awareness, Principal-Value Based Business Culture, Principal-Culture of Values
Founder-Greater Victoria Peace and Intercultural Celebrations, Founder- Labyrinths of Greater Victoria ,
Creator-#yyj Peace Week
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged Betrayed, Business Communicaton, Communication, Compassionate Communication, Emotions, Evaluative Experiences, Feelings, InTouch Communication, Needs, Partnerships, Relationship Development, Resolving Conflict, Resolving Differences, Speaking Peace, Value-needs
#peacefocus & #earthfocus in schools! Labyrinth Workshop @ Brentwood Bay Elementary during World Children Summit on Peace and Nature event in May, ’15. Explored labyrinth petrogylphs, designs, leadership in walking a labyrinth that reflects universal values and emotions from met and unmet needs. Introduced universal values with Ambassador of Peace Pictures, 86 children from 86 countries art on peace. Favorite labyrinth – fingerprint!
Posted in The Teaching Labyrinth, Uncategorized
Tagged #earthfocus, #kidsleadership, #labyrinth #education, #peacefocus, #universalpeacelanguage, #yyjlabyrinths #kidslabyrinths, Culture of Values, Feelings, Kids Movement, Kids Nature connections, Movement and Peace, Nature in Schools, Needs, Peace in schools, Vancouver Island Labyrinths, World Children's Summit on Peace and Nature
When I went on line to read the definitions of the word conflict I found the focus to be on analyzing the experiences versus understanding the source of the behavior. As well, there was only focus on negative behavior. getting InTouch’s definition is quite different. It is not written from the perspective of someone’s opinion and (t/pr)eaching, but written for understanding, learning and integration of one’s own interpretation of it! The focus shifts inward for understanding and away from looking outside at external explanations. After-all, how can you integrate an analysis into your habitual behavior to change it? You can’t! You need the steps for change.
getting InTouch definition:
The term conflict is an evaluative expression of a reactive experience. It begins with perception that is filtered through opinions and beliefs which create emotion that results in a reaction or action. Conflict is a label to name an experience. It is not limited to negative experiences. Conflict occurs when there is an interruption to one’s ordinary experience in the moment. It is not the resulting behavior. It is one’s unique *perspective and emotions that arise with met or unmet needs that then is followed by the action taken to meet that need. This is then what creates conflict for others.
*Our perspective and emotions are unique to us and learned from our own personal background of learning, faith and family history. No one else has the same unique perspective.
- Simple examples that all happened while writing this post:
1. Conflict between two people:
My daughter interrupts my work to ask me my opinion about a program we watched the night before and when I share my opinion she raises her voice and tells me I am wrong. Feeling impatient I simply cut her off and say, “Forget it, I am not having this conversation now!” My conflict is that my needs for ease and peace to focus on my work are not being met and I am frustrated. We do not have a connection as neither of our needs are met! She interrupted me to have a connection herself and when she didn’t agree with my interpretation my resulting reaction would create pain for her. Her need would not have been met and there would be consequences. She’s hurt and angry.
2. Inner conflict and conflict between two people:
The same daughter interrupts me later to give me affection and we hug. I have a need met for connection and I also have a need to focus on my work. Therefore I experience a conflict in the moment of these two sets of needs. I feel loving and rushed at the same time. She may feel disappointed and confused at not having my full attention yet also had her need for touch is met.
3. Conflict with connection:
My daughter is dancing while I am working and I stop to watch. I smile at the pleasure I am feeling and she comes over for a soft hug and we connect in a warm and joyful way. I still have a need to continue to work yet in the moment connecting with her was a greater need. She responded and her need was met in the moment.
Conflict happens at the level of perception and experiencing the emotions, followed by the actions we take (or not take) to met our needs.
Imagine if we began to learn our behavior and stopped analyzing and judging it! We’d be the change we want to be in the world!
Renee Lindstrom – 10/27/13
An article caught my attention that originated from a parent’s question. It included responses from the community.
Reading the responses I found myself surprised and then shocked as the replies to the questions did not connect with the original letter writer. Those responding talked at her and identified her actions as problems in a way that did not meet my need for consideration. What I read was generalizations and identification of the parents actions as being problems through the letter writers personal opinions including; judgement, diagnosing, prescribing and giving advise.
For me, what was missing was the piece that made sense on a behavioral level that would create a feeling of relief on all levels of my understanding not just my mind. Therefore rather than deepening into a shared connection to what I was reading, I was struggling with what it was bringing up for me.
I felt frustrated and annoyed reading these letters as all I took away from it was my thought that they were meeting their needs for expressing and sharing their professional opinions. I felt a deep sadness at the same time imagining the experience of the questioner reading these answers that sounded like a lecture and being told what to do. I recognize how I would like the support to be simpler, personal and emphatic. I would have enjoyed reading was how both the parent and child had different and conflicting needs. I didn’t read any steps and examples for sharing how to identify these two sets of needs and move forward with the child hearing back they where deeply cared for.
Imagine the personal power for the parent to connect in to was was important to them, not the action they themselves took. Let’s give parents tools to relax and guide their children not rules to break themselves! Followed by the gift of knowing what need the child was meeting so the parent could realize the child’s action was to meet that need.
Part four in this series may be for those who have already established a practice in recognizing needs consciousness and/or working with a facilitator. If your new to the practice and this next part is confusing, go back to the first four parts and enjoy working with developing your practice.
In exploring naming your personal needs as described in part two of this anger series you will with more practice develop a choice for naming the first set of needs that come up or you can take another step. This is the step that this article will focus upon.
The first choice to stay with the first set of needs that encourages and feelings and needs dialogue. This will support you to connect with the other party and share what is going on for you. An example, I was late for a doctor appointment and as my doctor entered the office she stated that she was frustrated because her need was for being on time. She did state her feelings and her need and I could empathize with her yet I wasn’t connected, so to establish one it would have taken us into a dialogue.
To take her sharing to a deeper connection she could have stayed with her needs a moment longer and then connect to the new feelings coming up . This may have allowed for another set of needs to come to the surface. For example, “I am concerned for the loss of being punctual and respecting my other clients time when you arrive 15 minutes after our agreed upon time.” Had she mentioned this to me I would have had an instant connection that didn’t startle me and one that I could stay with and be authentic immediately back in my expressions of regret.
This step of the practice is then to add another level to identifying your feeling and needs.
1. After identifying your unmet needs, stay with it for a few moments and notice if new feelings come up. Sometimes there may be sadness at having these unmet needs and if you open to this your may find another need arise that you are more connected with. This is usually the one that if you express to the other party that they can hear with more understanding and clarity and not hear any blame or shame.