When I went on line to read the definitions of the word conflict I found the focus to be on analyzing the experiences versus understanding the source of the behavior. As well, there was only focus on negative behavior. getting InTouch’s definition is quite different. It is not written from the perspective of someone’s opinion and (t/pr)eaching, but written for understanding, learning and integration of one’s own interpretation of it! The focus shifts inward for understanding and away from looking outside at external explanations. After-all, how can you integrate an analysis into your habitual behavior to change it? You can’t! You need the steps for change.
getting InTouch definition:
The term conflict is an evaluative expression of a reactive experience. It begins with perception that is filtered through opinions and beliefs which create emotion that results in a reaction or action. Conflict is a label to name an experience. It is not limited to negative experiences. Conflict occurs when there is an interruption to one’s ordinary experience in the moment. It is not the resulting behavior. It is one’s unique *perspective and emotions that arise with met or unmet needs that then is followed by the action taken to meet that need. This is then what creates conflict for others.
*Our perspective and emotions are unique to us and learned from our own personal background of learning, faith and family history. No one else has the same unique perspective.
- Simple examples that all happened while writing this post:
1. Conflict between two people:
My daughter interrupts my work to ask me my opinion about a program we watched the night before and when I share my opinion she raises her voice and tells me I am wrong. Feeling impatient I simply cut her off and say, “Forget it, I am not having this conversation now!” My conflict is that my needs for ease and peace to focus on my work are not being met and I am frustrated. We do not have a connection as neither of our needs are met! She interrupted me to have a connection herself and when she didn’t agree with my interpretation my resulting reaction would create pain for her. Her need would not have been met and there would be consequences. She’s hurt and angry.
2. Inner conflict and conflict between two people:
The same daughter interrupts me later to give me affection and we hug. I have a need met for connection and I also have a need to focus on my work. Therefore I experience a conflict in the moment of these two sets of needs. I feel loving and rushed at the same time. She may feel disappointed and confused at not having my full attention yet also had her need for touch is met.
3. Conflict with connection:
My daughter is dancing while I am working and I stop to watch. I smile at the pleasure I am feeling and she comes over for a soft hug and we connect in a warm and joyful way. I still have a need to continue to work yet in the moment connecting with her was a greater need. She responded and her need was met in the moment.
Conflict happens at the level of perception and experiencing the emotions, followed by the actions we take (or not take) to met our needs.
Imagine if we began to learn our behavior and stopped analyzing and judging it! We’d be the change we want to be in the world!
Renee Lindstrom – 10/27/13
TIP for this WEEK – JUNE 21ST:
Learn to read others:
- Did you try the exercise for releasing tension and changing your mood?
- If you did you will have experienced how body can affect the mind.
- Now how can you take this information to support others to bring them into the connection you are hoping for?
This first step is taking it to the next level. At work (and home) start to notice the tension in others. If you are feeling bored you start fidgeting. If you are frightened you may experience a dry mouth. Become curious about what others are experiencing in your interactions.
This week begin a practice of observing the posture in others and their tone of voice as they speak. Consider the state of their emotions and the story they are telling themselves.
All skilled, influence-empowered people begin with this first step.
Stay connected for next week Step two – Tip of the Week – June 28th
FOLLOW ME on Twitter @InsideAwareness
& Find daily posts of calendar of values quotes for understanding your needs better
Learning to differentiate your thoughts. Purpose: to notice the source of your actions. Reason: Not everyone has the same past as you so cannot fit into your perspective! If you want to connect (rather than have conflict) it is important to notice the difference between your automatic response based on old stories and what is happening in the “now” ~ present moment.
Recently attending a business lunch it was fun to hear about others and share as we began getting to know each other . At the end it came time to say good-bye and connect one last time. Our earlier sharing included expressing who we are and how we contribute in the community. Based upon this sharing I received a compliment based upon the complimentors personal experience of someone else they knew. This other person may or may not do similar work as I do. It began, “Do you know ……..”, I love them, I know their work and I am surprised that I already know it! It comes natural to me.” This was a compliment to me of admiration for the work she heard me share based upon working in a classroom with students.
First of all, let me ask, “Has this ever happened to you?” Second let me ask, “How does it make you feel?” “Thirdly, do you feel recognized for the work you do, appreciated for what you are sharing of yourself and heard when you hear a comparison to someone else and how much they admire the work of someone else?” Fourthly, “Can you hear the compliment beneath all that?”
This is a typical, ordinary example of our social communication. We are not aware of what is triggering us into reactions at the best of times, especially in these types of situations – meeting new people, perhaps nervous and wanting to connect.
This exact experience could be a reason to consider learning more about our communication and how it affects us without our conscious knowing. When we share we do become vulnerable even at business functions. Not hearing the value in how we contribute in the feedback we receive, especially in compliments, could create a reaction in us, However wonderful the event was, we could take it personally and leave feeling unsettled and discouraged or we leave feeling annoyed and resentful. For us to experience a disconnection with-in ourselves and with others may just take one interaction like this.
Training is for your learning benefit to begin to notice what a comment like this creates inside of you when you hear it so that you can begin holding back from your typical and habitual reactions. Taking a moment instead to become curious and to wonder what the meaning is underneath the words you are hearing may make a huge difference to how you would normally take in this information.
Training to stop, check in and becoming curious can change your whole perspective and ultimately your whole way of being! It doesn’t need to be difficult, it can be fun, it can be creative and you can have choices you may not even be aware of!