“If there are problems in the bedroom, there’s conflict!”
“If there are problems in the relationship there are problems in the bedroom!”
These are two comments I made at our 3rd Removing Obstacles to Love workshop last night! Our conversation was focused on the aspects of our primary relationships. Breaking it down into bite sized pieces, so to speak, there are four areas of focus in our primary relationships that affect each other. They are:
- Family/Community/Social Network
- Household Health/Financial
- Relationship (Interaction & Behavior)
Our consideration was on the dynamics of unresolved issues and how some people can compartmentalized their relationship issues and still be intimate while others need to have resolution on outstanding issues to have their needs for safety met to be vulnerable enough for intimacy!
Where are you in this topic? Do you need the resolution of your unresolved issues with your partner to be as intimate as you like?
In this scenario, I suggested that if couples are open and honest with each other and they speak up about what is important to them in the moment that this present connection could lead them to intimacy. Why? It is the connection that is important, not the issues. Any unresolved issues is about not be seen, not being heard and not being valued! My recommendations are to slow down and listen. Learn to listen to your partners soul and your own!
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Renee Lindstrom, GCFP,
Jaw Release Program since 2007, Authored Achieving your Goals 31 Day Program, Sleep Sweet Sleep, Kid’s Peace Bus Calendar of Values Educational Program & InTouch with Your Values Self-Actualization Program. Feldenkrais® Practitioner since 2007, Communication & Empathy Coach since 2004, Art of Placement since 2000, Labyrinths of Victoria since 2012, #yyj Peace Week Grassroots Calendar Founder, Vice-Chair of World Children
Dialogue series for couples wrapped up last night for the summer. It ended on an honest note of expressing how this experience was for people in the group and how to move forward with options for practice and future connection. We focused on how if you don’t use it you lose it! This means if you are shifting your conscious awareness one sentence at a time, you need a tribe to practice with for support to stay in connection and develop different speaking habits. This begs the question, do you have a practice tribe that is committed to expressing honestly and listening with empathy in a way that provides the witnessing and acceptance that is needed for a shift in behavior to happen?
Working with couples in a group like this has been one of the most powerful experiences I have had in facilitating learning groups for shifting consciousness and behavior awareness one sentence at a time. It has allowed me a glimmer into how deeply we love and in turn feel pain when we become enemies in our inability to relate, understand and equally hear each others point or perspective. Think about the power in our personal coupling. After-all, it is our parents coupling relationship that shaped us, how we feel, think, react, love, fight, hate….
Read 7 signs your love relationship is struggling
Intimacy in relationships begins with an experience! Intimacy begins with tenderness in our skill of listening and ability for reflecting back. It is our willingness to hear and not to only be heard.
- How many of us want to be held and touched tenderly by our lovers?
- Why would our conversations be any different?
- Can you remember a time when the tender kindness that went into your intimate touch was matched in your conversation with your lover? When that tenderness is not in the conversation do you imagine them as your lover in that moment?
- When was a time that you both shared anything with each tenderly and felt accepted exactly as you are?
I believe it is more important to create an experience of intimate connection in conversation first before mastering the correctness of how to speak to each other. Ever coach a couple only to hear one partner tell the other how it’s done? Intimacy maker? No! If you forget how it should be done and have the experience of intimate connection you are more apt to take chances, be creative and develop your courage to tell each other what really matters. This is when I experience couples commit to keep trying to hear what is meaningful in what the other person is trying to share. If you have to learn how to do it and get it right first, before the connection, it tells me that you are feeling frightened and need the safety of being right and getting your way at the expense of your partner.
Therefore with couples the primary focus is to walk them through a dialogue dance that isn’t focused on how to do it. It is focused on doing it and accepting whatever arises so that it is easy for them to feel heard and understood. This is when they feel safe to share important issues.
Each partner is being coached to make the dialogue about themselves to translate each story they bring up into being about themselves and never staying in the habit of making it about the other person. Talk is slowed down so that each partner can reflect and that the dialogue is never one-sided. It means pausing to connect to what is being said before bringing up other issues so that both have a say.
It definitely isn’t for the faint hearted. It is for couples wanting to work on their intimacy, vulnerability and grow their relationships to bring warm loving kindness and spiciness back into the experience.
This week I had an opportunity to stand beside and guide couples into their vulnerability to the point the veil of self protection fell away. From this place of deep meaning it is one of the most tender sweet spots to find oneself in. By standers included! You are where it really matters. When couples commit to continue coming back to try and express in a way they both can be heard, isolated behavior and fear looses its power, humor develops and it becomes easier. This is when it becomes about the relationship and not about winning.