Tag Archives: Empathy

I do not often use the word addictions. Only recently have I used it in my posts. I don’t let it influence my personal or group lessons. It is such a distracting word with so many changing definitions and a word that is normally very personal to the person speaking it into life, or listening to someone else speaking it to life. What I focus on is the instinct that turns one towards an addictive quality. For me the instinct is triggered by survival. An easy example is sex.  Sex is a basic need in the base level of needs along with water, food, shelter, air. If someone is operating under anxiety, stress, fear, or anger emotions it will trigger an instinctual reaction. In this example it would be self soothing through basic intercourse without much meaning, other than relief.  However, the urge in the gut is often still there during and after. If one increases sleep patterns, eats healthy, and starts to experience self fulfilling needs being met, including meaningful relationships, the instinctual need to self sooth shifts as the survival instinct diminishes. This doesn’t mean one loses their sex drive, it just shifts it into more meaningful interactions. This self soothing example can be replaced with the actions of gambling, drinking, drugs, smoking, food, etc. Often the focus is on the label – addiction, which can shift the mind focus to the past behaviour, memories, or blaming and shaming self and others. If one can capture the moment, there is a felt sense of the instinct that is felt prior to going into the habit of reacting to it. This is a moment to observe what just happened. (Something is happening in the moment of the trigger.)  This can be the point of change. Notice the trigger and instead of going into the strategy for self soothing, one can process the trigger and create inner balance. This is an important skill development.  Leaving it unchecked creates a type of random chaos either by oneself, or others who have clued in on how to keep one in the agitated state. (Yes, common strategy for others is to redirect someone’s focus of attention to get their own needs met).  The person who introduced this to me, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., used an example of eating. Often when people become uncomfortable, they will reach for food. He would suggest the person reaching for food to stop and ask themselves if they are hungry, or if something else was instead gnawing at them. Usually, they are not hungry, and this pause to check in is enough to shift the experience to talking about whatever it is that instigated the action of reaching for food. It could be as simple as being asked an uncomfortable question. The trigger is inner conflict. If you disagree with someone, it can cause inner conflict. If you hear a hard to hear message, it can create inner conflict. If someone tries to control you it can cause inner conflict. etc., etc.

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The only way to change is action

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