Category Archives: Awareness through Communication

Outsmarting a gas lighter

One of the hardest behaviours to observe in coaching is witnessing someone attached to another for what they can get from them rather than what they can contribute. I have noticed that when the focus is not on creating an authentic connection its purpose is on creating a disconnection inside the others person’s mind where they hope to receive some personal gain. Sometimes it’s for competition as they don’t want to see the other succeed, or to gain monetarily and receive support, or simply not wanting to be abandoned in whatever addictions they share. Only a few times I have witnessed it be from hatred and rage or a belief the other person is not smart or good enough. Qualities that cannot be hidden from an empath.

I have witnessed gaslighting someone is never for the qualities of love like appreciation, respect, or empathy. It seems that once the cycle starts it quickly turns into entitlement or ownership of the other. People doing the gaslighting don’t get how these controlling behaviours are easily identifiable and visibly recognizable, especially by an empath. It’s felt emotionally by the person they are gaslighting however witnesses can easily observe the mental manipulation. The gaslighting is like mind control, or a false reality. It is very destructive and harmful. In some situationships it can last for years where the experiences become dark, lonely, and painful. The person on the receiving end either doesn’t seem to recognize it at first or they believe it will change.

Most people don’t go into relationships with the expectation to be on the receiving end of this type of behaviour so can be naive to it. An element of human conditioning is to trust. Initially a common reaction to it is shock, surprise, freezing or fighting back. Once the behaviour is habituated it seems to be internalized by the receiver where is transforms into feelings and damaging beliefs related to self-worth. Regardless of these fight, flight or freeze reactions they can be purposely stimulated for controlling the actions of someone to stop them from moving forward and acting. Over time the person being manipulated is noticeably drained, stressed, angry or depressed and often will seek artificial stimulants to cope.

Often the person on the receiving end of this manipulative behaviour will believe there is something wrong with them from the feelings that are stimulated by the gas lighter. Gas lighting often interferes with the receiver’s connection to what is meaningful and their values by creating doubts. Long-term reactions to this are a lack of self-esteem, self-value, and confidence. The joy for me in these over-the-top situationships has been integrating somatic learning models that cannot be manipulated due to the very nature of focusing on connecting to what is meaningful in the moment – one’s values. There is no focus of attention on someone speaking for another, being the teacher, therapist, or authority. Each learns how to speak for only themselves and listen without correction or convincing the other parties. There is no focus on telling the story to ascertain who is right and who is wrong. The key is to process the story using practical steps to integrate skills on how to communicate and accept differences where all parties are valued equally. I would have loved to have grown up in this type of cultural experience, however the gift of not living it became the purpose for exploring it and making discoveries for the past three decades.

Life, Lifestyle, Relationship & Empathy Coaching

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by Renee Lindstrom, GCFP @ Inside Awareness,  
Renee Lindstrom Live
Copyright 2014 – 2023 Renee Lindstrom, GCFP

Triangulation in Situationships

Triangulation never works out. It fractures relationships and situationships. Yet our learned dialogue patterns in the West are founded upon creating this very pattern. With young children and empathy coaching students I tried to have the two parties engage with each other rather than give advise when solicited for it. When someone comes to you for advise you become a third sider as it is not your situation. Therefore if you share your opinion or perspective you are interfering instead of holding the space for the advice seeker to find their own connection to resolving it. If I gave my opinion or perspective as the 3rd sider, I would be influencing an outcome, not mine to influence.

Learning and integrating Marshall Rosenberg’s dialogue pattern was like the universe took a breath and let go of all this tension surrounding me. This pattern supports others in a way too that reduces the spectrum of negative emotions and begins to limit conflict in the environment. With my children they would have some situation between them and rather than engage in resolving it they would come to me to tell on each other. Unfortunately for them I didn’t involve myself in the story they were telling and rather steered them to listening to each other in a way they could hear what was alive in them and each other. In the moment it takes time until the pattern is learned, however it saves energy and reduces conflict long term. Think about a situation of gossip that harmed you in the past and how long it took to get over it or for clarity to come.

Consider your pattern of third siding. Do you become an authority over others in situations that aren’t yours or do you genuinely listen to the person seeking advice and hold the space for them and the party they are seeking to get clarity about? Those seeking advice consider if you are letting others have power over what it is you are seeking advice about. This is important as it directly interferes with self-trust, self-esteem and self-confidence. The self-inquiry then becomes why am I letting someone tell me what to do? It becomes far more important that the original need for checking in with them in the first place. Do they really have my best interest at heart? What need are they meeting? Why? As soon as someone knows the answers of what you should be doing they are not holding your best interest to heart. They are directing you in a way to meet their needs – power over. It puts you in a power under experience that grows and sometimes can become abusive.

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by Renee Lindstrom, GCFP @ Inside Awareness,  Living in Natures Love Blog
Renee Lindstrom Live
Copyright 2014 – 2023 Renee Lindstrom, GCFP

The need to shift theory observations to clear observations in physicality

One fact that we can all agree upon is that our physicality was our first experience on the planet.  We were not born with a developed belief system or  the ability to theorize based upon short-term and long-term memory association.

As a movement specialist using the learning style of the Feldenkrais Method of Somatic Education I have found the largest obstacles I am challenged with are people’s tendencies to react, process and respond using only their short-term and long-term memory associations, and learned thought (thinking) process.  Many go into long stories of self-diagnosis, comparisons, identifying and naming associations to what they have already learned and memorized.  This limits the current experience and eliminates the potential for any increased insight.Feldenkrais

My job as a practitioner is to distract this habitual behaviour of theory based observations by creating opportunities for cultivating awareness of exact inner observation experiences in the moment.  This translates to what is being sensed (felt, smelt, tasted, heard and seen) in the exact moment of experiencing it.

This is the uniqueness of the inherent learning we were born with.  I often share with students that if we couldn’t sense our shifting weight in our physicality as a baby we would never have gotten up off the floor, never rolled over, sat, walked or run.  Arrested development!

The learning style we came into this world with is an intelligent way of exploring and increasing our capacity that  does not have a limited focus.  It includes a balance of physical, cultural, perceptive, emotions, mental and soul/spiritual functions.

In my last post I wrote about an actual observation using vocabulary versus a theory observation.  What we say in outer and inner conversation has a direct link to our movement ability.  What we say in outer and inner conversation creates false feelings that are not happening in the current moment.  Rather they are created by memories and perpetuated by the retelling.  This influences our emotions that has a direct link to our movement abilities.

Creating an empathetic experience through connection to thinking, words we tell ourselves, feelings and movement

The challenge can be creating an environment where the student can become curious and explore movement in a way that creates effective change in their movement behaviour versus their learned desires for finding solutions and ways to be fixed.

  • Can your mind go to your posture and movement and not have your first thought be on yoga, the gym, or how much exercise you get?  
  • Can you focus your minds attention to your movement and not think about conditions or limitations?
  • Can you focus your minds attention to your available movement and not compare yourself to who you were in the past, others or go to where you long to be?  

One of the greatest gifts is listening to what is exactly in the current moment using one’s senses.  Your senses aren’t constrained by rules, dogma, perspectives, beliefs and self-image.  This style of listening moves past stuck ways of thinking into a fresh blank page of nothingness with an openness to exploring in an attitude of curiosity.  Like that of when you were a babe beginning your movement journey.   Guided into your own moves versus the demands of being told how, what, where.

In my  practice I combine the understanding of an empathetic environment and lifestyle,  empathetic speaking and listening with a movement style that is empathic. I also include this same understanding of each in my communication and life-style coaching and environment consultants. 

spider-4471795_960_720Over the years the benefits of weaving these together through my different session offerings has become obvious in witnessing the lasting shifts that have taken place.

About Renee Lindstrom, GCFP

One important aspect of her practice is improving physical function.  She has experienced how unresloved needs can restrict movement causing one to have less flexibility. The ability to refine and translate dialogue can help settle emotional fears, pain and anger, or improve one’s needs to be seen, heard and valued in relationships.

by Renee Lindstrom

Awareness Through Living Mentoring Programs Available:

 1st Level – Getting Started (Introduction & Pattern)
 2nd Level – Getting Intouch (Experiencing & Connection)
 3rd Level – Integration (Embodiment)

Follow the journey on TwitterInstagram or Facebook

by Renee Lindstrom, GCFP @ Inside Awareness
Copyright 2014 – 2023 Renee Lindstrom, GCFP

Dropping irrelevant words to improve focus on event being shared

I have found that our education has focused upon proper rules of grammar versus focusing upon how each person has a different perception of incoming information.  This translates  into writing, reading and speaking that leads to misunderstandings.

Five ways that humanity perceives information from their environment is through sight, sound, taste, smell and, touch.   Incoming information from the environment will travel through the physical body processing the information before reaching thoughts.  A process so fast it’s unrecognizable.

You can recognize people’s dominant senses through their choice of words in speaking and writing.  For example:

  • Visual –    “I see……”
  • Sound –    “I hear…..’
  • Smell –      “I smell…..”
  • Taste –      “I taste……”
  • Touch –     “I feel……”

Translation & simplicity are needed in the ways that these interactions are used

I will use an example of my own predominant sense and its usage.  This is,   “I feel……”  I use this statement in a way that isn’t understandable to anyone outside myself.  Others will be triggered by it,  unknowingly,  before taking in the information I am trying to convey. Here’s  how I may use touch to describe an experience that may be familiar to you where you would accept it as being normal, however may be having inner thoughts that stimulate irritability or annoyance.  You may even shut out what you are hearing.

 I feel like I have gone one step forward and one step backward.

I did want to I feel in the following post to describe my interpretation instead of an actual feeling.  Something like

I felt like I had one foot in the future and one foot in the past after a new router was installed yesterday.

Had I used it, it would have added confusion and extraneous words to describe it.  I chose words to describe exactly what happened without my interpretation.  The event was shared in a way that more people could take in the information and understand the point of it.  That is my intention – to be understood and for a connection.  If you look through the sentence for feeling words there are none.  If you analysis the statement you will note there isn’t any information pertaining to a felt sense.  One foot in the past and one foot in the future is an evaluative experience which precludes any felt sensations.

At yesterday’s installation of a fiber optic wireless router the technician gave me the option to go back to a hard line for my laptop versus wavelength. In addition,  I was told I could install an app that would turn the wireless off when others left for the day making the house wave free from my own router. I am thrilled for these choices!

Sight, sound, touch, taste, smell

  • What is your predominant receptor?  
  • How does translate into your dialogues?
  • Does being received by others in the way you intend matter enough to you to slow down and consider how you share?

About Renee Lindstrom, GCFP

One  part of her practice is to refine and translate dialogue so that one can settle their emotional fears, pain and anger, or improve their needs to be seen, heard and valued in relationships.  This is important in improving physical function too.  Unresloved needs can restrict movement causing one to have less flexibility.

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The only way to change is action

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Coaching using Awareness through Spoken Word techniques introduces a new way of understanding differences and compassion that comes from empathy. Empathy for self and others that is more than listening or touch. It is in the quality of the spoken word patterns. The focus is to expand the awareness of the stimulus of spoken word and go beyond its restrictions in habitual ways of speaking. The intention is to create inner peace and expand outer harmony for better choice making and resolving differences.

by Renee Lindstrom

Awareness Through Living Mentoring Programs Available:

 1st Level – Getting Started (Introduction & Pattern)
 2nd Level – Getting Intouch (Experiencing & Connection)
 3rd Level – Integration (Embodiment)

Follow the journey on TwitterInstagram or Facebook

by Renee Lindstrom, GCFP @ Inside Awareness
Copyright 2014 – 2023 Renee Lindstrom, GCFP

Sage responses for when the pain of break up is increased by thinking over past events

Being the one who is broken up with can be the most challenging and chaotic as the minds condition has no choice but to go into what it has been trained to do.  Such as:

  • Blaming & Shaming
  • Right & Wrong Thinking
  • Make moral judgments
  • and more…..

I have been there myself.  I have experienced the open darkness of pain where it feels like there is a tear in the fabric of my reality.  When I sought out support and empathy whether it was professional or in my personal friend group I wasn’t thrown the kind of lifeline for  my grief and regret that steered me through the depth of emotions.  Rather it added to the chaotic thinking emotions and increased the effort to sort out.  Recently in the midst of supporting someone else’s break up I had a moment where  I considered how much I would have benefited to have someone  support me with this type of feedback, while recognizing this will have to be repeated until the chaos of the mind training settles and one can enter more permanently into the experience of sadness and forgiveness that is the letting go process.

When I listen to  you I am taken into your story of regret and grief. I hear that you are replaying events in your mind thru the lens of pain you’re feeling now stimulated by this break up. Replaying events is part of the grieving process, however I encourage you to be aware that the need in the moment you made those choices then is far different than the one now. The present need is based on this current event and it cannot go back and preside over past events.

The current event is stimulating your pain body and your memories are surfacing. Putting attachment to them by going into assessing and criticizing yourself is feeding the pain your feeling. These thoughts are false realities. The truth is that in this moment you’re a feeling deep sorrow and pain as you experience this loss.

by Renee Lindstrom

Awareness Through Communication

 1st Level – Getting Started (Introduction & Pattern)
 2nd Level – Getting Intouch (Experiencing & Connection)
 3rd Level – Integration (Embodiment)

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by Renee Lindstrom, GCFP @ Inside Awareness,  Living in Natures Love Blog Renee Lindstrom Live
Copyright 2007 – 2020 Renee Lindstrom, GCFP

I was reminded of how sympathy can influence not being seen or heard

For me it is an experience of one merging their pain with an others.

Going into sympathy reflects merging old pain together with an others circumstances.

Let me explain.

In a circle with Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in 2004, he began demonstrating a deepened empathy pattern and I found myself curious about how some of us in the circle were independently holding the space and others where crying in sorrow.  I asked an advanced trainer who had worked with Dr. Rosenberg for many years about the differences in experience.  I was told that those who were not sobbing  didn’t have a similar pain as the person who was receiving empathy.  Those who were  had that same abuse in their lifetime that stimulated old pain.   Fortunately this intensive was to transition from moral judgments and right and wrong thinking.  This explanation was shared with clarity and as a matter of fact.  What I learned was that those identifying with the pain had an opportunity to heal themselves in witnessing the resolution in the person who was receiving empathy from Dr. Rosenberg.  The key was to feel their pain rise up and let their thoughts rest.  The skill was to resist  going into their own story that would hijack the circumstances away from the speaker.  I call this the ultimate witnessing ability.  (This is when you can stop yourself from hijacking someones story away from them and making it about you.)

Empathy practice, the NVC way, is to fully hear what someone is saying without interpreting it back through your past experiences and personal perspectives.  The only way someone is going to feel seen and heard is if you are able to listen to their words while being attentive to what you are hearing.  The following ways of habitually listening are not empathetic, instead they challenge the speaker.

  • Comparisons – telling your perspective or someone elses
  • Being an authority
  • Moral Judgments – no right and wrong, not speaking to what’s wrong with someone
  • Assessments
  • Diagnosis
  • Labeling
  • Criticizing
  • Coming up with solutions
  • Asking questions – your job is to listen, not understand

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Author or Nonviolent Communication
NVC – Nonviolent Communication

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Awareness Through Communication

 1st Level – Getting Started (Introduction & Pattern)
 2nd Level – Getting Intouch (Experiencing & Connection)
 3rd Level – Integration (Embodiment)

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by Renee Lindstrom, GCFP @ Inside Awareness,  Living in Natures Love Blog Renee Lindstrom Live
Copyright 2007 – 2020 Renee Lindstrom, GCFP

Out of balance emotions & behaviours of Leo sign

Leo the fire sign

Leo is ruled by the Sun and this fire sign influences action.  In balance it reflects qualities of love, expression, creativity, fun, playfulness.

The needs of this sign are love, self love,  attention and loving family, and  community.

How behaviours of out of balance Leo may manifest

Fear:  Being unlovable, lack of being trusted

Fear Response:  Seeking Attention

Common Leo out of balance emotional statements:

  • “You don’t trust me.”
  • “I don’t trust you.”
  • “You don’t pay enough attention to me.”
  • “You don’t want my attention.”

Sharing ways to consciously align with this sign in earlier posts focused upon daily goal settingfoods to support emotional balance and physical movement to support the areas governed by Leo.

Now focus is on ways to process Leo’s reactions when out of balance.

The predominate perceptual sense of this sign is “seeing (vision).”

The need is expression and fame.

3 additional ways to balance Leo emotions  

#1.  Empathy – Awareness through Listening

  • “I don’t trust you,” can start with deeper reflection first before making any statements.  The feelings could be of jealousy, feelings of hurt or fear and the obvious need is for trust.  
More on empathy – Self-empathizing, Empathize with others

#2.  Language of connection – Awareness through Communication

  • Turn separation into moments of connection:

“I am disappointed when I  hear you say,  Mom, I went to a party last night after I promised to go to a friends to study.  Ken, I have a need for trust. ”  

 More on learning to speak with intention

#3.  Balance and calm Leo’s environment

Awareness of Space

Leo needs a castle to entertain and with the dominate sense being vision it is important to have a clutter free, clean environment.  Leo would like large beautiful and artful homes, offices and furniture that make a statement.

More on Creating a space using intention

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Goals, Food, Movement & Life Style Updates

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by Renee Lindstrom, GCFP @ Inside Awareness,  Living in Natures Love Blog
 & Renee Lindstrom Live