If something is broken in your relationship how does it affect your family?

Are you doing this:

by Renee Lindstrom

because you want this:

couple-814825_960_720

Six months ago a caravan parked on our local street. It was a young family; mom, dad, two kids, two cats and a dog, arriving to set up a home planning to rent a house temporarily until finding their own dream home in the Greater Victoria Region. Dad had grown up here and wanted to raise his young kids on the West Coast.

The reason the husband shared his story is they wanted to block access to my home with their vehicles for a few days. In speaking with him I had deja-vu. Some friends had traveled with him and his family and you could tell they had partied and enjoyed their travel time. I wondered how it would be for them to move into a home where the earlier occupant also loved to have a good time with a revolving door of visitors that enjoyed a good drink or two! The previous occupant was a friend and hung around for a few weeks in party mode as they unpacked and settled.

With the previous tenant’s lifestyle influence and one partners love of partying it wasn’t a happily ever after experience for them. By December, 3 months later, a house had been bought, however not in the Greater Victoria Region. One was purchased in the town they had recently traveled from. When he told me he wanted to block my access to load up again, he shared a bit of his story. He said it was important to move for the kids and to stop partying. I could tell he was hung over. Wow!

I felt empathy for him and his little family. Being on this side of some life similarities, and with my training, I recognized his move to Victoria was a strategy to full fill something that wasn’t working for him in his lifestyle. He is travelling back into that same environment and states this choice is more important than his needs. As he speaks his mannerisms tell that he isn’t convinced and not in agreement with this decision. It’s been made for him. He says that it’s been a six month party and it was time to get serious.

I wondered if her intention is to be close to family and set up a home for the kids to meet her needs for safety and support in the event that they can’t resolve their differences. I know as a mom that would have been my priority if my needs for shared values were not met in my marriage. Hell, that happened to me! We didn’t have shared values and I raised my kids alone! My hope, for this young couple, is that they find a way to work through the reasons for travelling across the country in the first place. Was it to try to find the aliveness that may have gone out of the relationship?

Three things I would have suggested once they arrived in Victoria:

Be aware of how an earlier occupant of a house can influence your experience.
Choose to clear a house by setting your intention for the home you want to create. Don’t fall into an earlier pattern.
Take ownership of the space and set boundaries!

Three things I would recommend for them now setting up a new home as they arrive to their new house:

Each of them check in and write out what is meaningful for the in three areas: 1. Relationships, 2. Family & Home, 3. Community
Each of them take turns and honesty express what these are with a willingness to hear and create new ones together.
Follow the above three steps.

I hope they will take the time to do the above however they will not be arriving together. One has gone ahead to set up the new house while the other is closing the other. It may be one’s already claimed the space and the other will be a visitor! I hope not!!!!!

This story stimulated reflection of my earlier post: How a previous murder influenced my marriage! As I write this one a raven is calling and the snow is falling!

Transitioning from Language of Conflict into Language of Connection (based on Nonviolent Communication)