That includes redirection and reassurance while being recognized versus, (you fill in the blanks)
- You are,
- Your doing,
- You must,
- Say your sorry!,
For example, Identify and acknowledge what is going on for them. It takes as much time as it does to get angry and use force to get your own need met. Hearing them takes less energy for all of you. It does not mean you have to let them do what it is they are doing. In fact you are teaching them to understand the feelings they are having. They cannot teach this to themselves. Such as,
“When you get angry about coming with us I bet you are wanting to stay home and play and not come to another event with your brother and I. Is that what’s going on for you?”
Now imagine the way you would habitually handle this type of situation. You may not even be aware that they are meeting their own needs by their behavior and you may perceive this as resistance and label them as being __________. Their resistance is a strategy for them to meet their needs in the only way they know how, which you may be taking personally and making it about them not listening to you. If so, consider how your reaction impacts them. How would your child process your reaction in a way that they stayed connected to their own value? What might they be feeling and who would they go to for comfort?
Now consider the reasons you may have reacted that way? Could it be the way you learned to behave based upon your experience or that you haven’t had any training on how to deal with multiple needs in the multiple relationships of your unique family?
Who do you go to to discuss your experiences of their reactions, their father perhaps? Who do they go to to discuss your reactions? Your behavior in their eyes may be exactly what they consider their behavior to be – reactive. How can their behavior be wrong and yours right?
For more info on Upcoming Parenting Workshops with Renee Lindstrom