Part four in this series may be for those who have already established a practice in recognizing needs consciousness and/or working with a facilitator. If your new to the practice and this next part is confusing, go back to the first four parts and enjoy working with developing your practice.
In exploring naming your personal needs as described in part two of this anger series you will with more practice develop a choice for naming the first set of needs that come up or you can take another step. This is the step that this article will focus upon.
The first choice to stay with the first set of needs that encourages and feelings and needs dialogue. This will support you to connect with the other party and share what is going on for you. An example, I was late for a doctor appointment and as my doctor entered the office she stated that she was frustrated because her need was for being on time. She did state her feelings and her need and I could empathize with her yet I wasn’t connected, so to establish one it would have taken us into a dialogue.
To take her sharing to a deeper connection she could have stayed with her needs a moment longer and then connect to the new feelings coming up . This may have allowed for another set of needs to come to the surface. For example, “I am concerned for the loss of being punctual and respecting my other clients time when you arrive 15 minutes after our agreed upon time.” Had she mentioned this to me I would have had an instant connection that didn’t startle me and one that I could stay with and be authentic immediately back in my expressions of regret.
This step of the practice is then to add another level to identifying your feeling and needs.
1. After identifying your unmet needs, stay with it for a few moments and notice if new feelings come up. Sometimes there may be sadness at having these unmet needs and if you open to this your may find another need arise that you are more connected with. This is usually the one that if you express to the other party that they can hear with more understanding and clarity and not hear any blame or shame.